A Lynchburg lynching is what is needed here!

by iGanja 17. January 2006 13:06

Around the start of 2004, the new corporate pinheads at the world renowned Jack Daniels distillery in Lynchburg Tennessee (Actually Brown-Foreman Corporation who now owns Jack Daniels) came up with a brilliant idea!  Read All About It!  I will recount the somewhat disturbing scene as it has played out in my head since then.  The names have not been changed to protect the innocent; in fact the names may be correct for all I know: I simply made them up.

So, Steve the CBC (chief bean counter,) had a meeting with Rick, the head of marketing, one day and here is what transpired:

Steve: “Hey, Rick.  You know Jack Daniels is the number one seller of bourbon in the US, not to mention one of the highest priced black labels.  In fact our annual sales will be over $1 billion in 2004!”
Rick: “Yeah, so looks like I’m doing a fantastic job, eh?”
Steve: “Right you are Rick, you sexy hunk of man you!”
Steve: “So, why is it that we continue to bottle 86 proof whiskey when all the other black labels are bottled at 80 proof?”
Rick: “Well Steve, I’d guess because that’s the way Jack wanted it?”
Steve: “Right you are again!  Did I mention I love that color tie on you?  Delicious!”
Rick: “Thanks Steve, you look pretty hot yourself today.  I really like the cut of your pants.  DKNY?”
Steve: “Calvin Klein, baby.  You know, now that Jack is long dead and buried, and we now own the company, we should be looking to maximize our profits.”
Rick: “Oh, I like where you’re going with this Steve.  Is it getting hot in here?  What do you propose we do?”
Steve: “I’m so glad you asked, Rick.  I’d say we add just a touch more water to our final product to make it say, 80 proof like all the rest of the black labels out there.”
Rick: “Wow Steve!  You thought that up all by yourself did you?  Might be harder to market it.”
Steve: “Well Rick, there in lies the real beauty of this idea!”
Rick: “Do tell Steve, I can hardly contain myself.  Is that your manhood bulging?”
Steve: “YOU, don’t have to do anything!  We’ll test out the lower proof in a few test markets.  See if anyone notices!  Of course we’ll add a few more marketing dollars to those areas to skew the results.  We can continue to charge the exact same amount for it, but at a lower proof, it’s seven percent added profit baby!”
Rick: “Seven percent?  Is that worth it?”
Steve: “That comes to over $77 million a year you man bitch!”
Rick: “What about our most loyal customers?  The one’s that can actually tell the difference?  Shouldn’t we be sensitive to their loyalty?”
Steve: “We’ll tell them our single barrel was specially made for them, and if they still don’t get it, fuck ‘em, let em buy Maker’s Mark.”
Rick: “I love it!”
Steve: “I knew you would.”

So, when I finally got wind of this devious little plan of theirs, I decided to write to Jack Daniels and let them know I was on to them.


 

From: Me
Sent: 29 Oct 05 20:56:25
To:  jack_daniels@lynchburg.jackdaniels.com
Cc:
Subject: Drop us a line at Jack Daniel's / USA

 

The following 'Contact Us' form was submitted on 10/29/2005 8:56:12 PM

 

Comments: I am ashamed of you!  A company that emphasizes and advertises it's "History" as much as Jack Daniel's does; to change it's recipe is beyond hypocritical. It is a slap in the face to all your customers who base their choice not only on taste, but also on tradition and loyalty.  And for what? The label should have changed even more than from 86 to 80.  It should now read New Time, New No.8 or maybe just Early Times #2.  Hell, you could put it in a plastic bottle for all the uniqueness and prestige it now holds.  You have ruined it!  Take a lesson from Coke! New Coke sucked, and so does New Jack!

 

oh, I ganja!

 

 

 

 

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Oh, I Ganja

When something becomes clear, when a wrong is righted, when vengeance is yours. It doth not matter when, where or why. It is an epiphany, the clairvoyance to conjure up the stolen data tapes, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to go do, that voodoo, that you do, so well. When we finally see past the layers of muck and grim our society has cloaked itself in, we exclaim "Oh, I Ganja!"

Let us not hide our heads in the proverbial sand. Let us question everything and seek enlightenment in answers. But wait, there's more! If you act now, we may even sprinkle in some truth with those answers...

Oh, I Ganja!

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