I have many friends who love this sport, so I will try to be careful as not to go overboard with this rant. Also, I have a great deal of respect for those that actually play the game. It is, undoubtedly, a worthwhile physical activity, an activity that can include a great deal of skill, endurance and intelligence to be played well (well being the operative word here.)
Thing is, the sport can be played by almost anyone, and this is really its most endearing quality. No skill, or endurance, or intelligence or even ambulatory capability is required, which, by itself makes this a great sport for the masses to play. So, go play it! Get your exercise, and even, dare I say, satisfy your competitive need even though the game is fatally flawed from an individual accomplishment standpoint. So, it was you who essentially won the game with 90 minutes of solid, yet uninspiring, defense; the only thing that anyone remembers is the one solitary goal scored by a forward who just happened to be in the right place at the right time. That truly is taking one for the team... So, soccer is arguably the most popular sport on the planet; that still doesn't move me to want to watch it. Soccer is just not a sport made for spectators, which is ultimately why it will NEVER be popular in the biggest sporting country in the world.
Soccer sucks for spectators! Here’s why:
First, when will it end? No one watching or playing or coaching or even picking their nose in line for their 42nd beer knows when the damn thing will end. It just does, sometime after the clock reaches 90 (not 0 like every other sport with a clock,) or something like that. Where’s the drama in that? “What? It ended? Oh, can we go now?” Soccer sucks.
Second, don’t blink! You may miss the only opportunity you have to see something actually happen, like someone scoring. Unless you like watching grass grow, be prepared to be entertained by the fans in the stands more than the game on the field. When a single goal scored on the international stage is remembered in perpetuity and the person scoring it is immortalized for all time and honored with free sex with the local livestock for the rest of his life, you realize that there just ain’t enough scoring. Soccer really sucks.
Third, a tie! What the hell is that? Even Hockey has figured out that kissing your sister is about as exciting as the prospect of root canal or open heart surgery, and even the sports that do, on very rare occasion, end in a tie, at least it’s not 0 – 0 !!! And I’m sorry, saying “nil nil” is just plain stupid. Did I mention soccer sucks?
Fourth, (you thought this would be last huh?) again, like tennis, there is possibility of great bodily injury, but a sport that emphasizes, condones, and yes even rewards faking an injury is a sport of pure pussies! Little p boys writhing in pain on the ground ‘cause “somebody twipped me” just to get a little yellow or red card issued to the offending player is the biggest example of cowardice in sport there is. When I saw (ESPN highlight everyone. I wouldn’t be caught dead actually watching a game,) a guy being carried off the field on a stretcher only to be on his feet and running within seconds of crossing the sideline, it only reaffirmed my belief that soccer doth suck!
And last, any sport the USA sucks at, must certainly suck. And why does the USA suck at soccer you ask? It really is very simple actually. The USA has the potential, as it does in nearly every sport, to dominate in soccer, and anyone that doesn't believe that isn't firing on all cylinders. The fact is that all the greatest athletes in the US are playing other sports. The kids that can hit and catch a ball play baseball. The kids that can catch and run and hit harder, play football. And the kids, who can shoot and pass and otherwise dominate athletically, play basketball. The kids in the US who can't do any of those things, play soccer.
The AYSO was created so that ALL kids could enjoy some sort of sport activity. And by ALL kids, we really mean all kids, especially those kids who can’t play the other three. You know the ones, they got picked last in dodge ball. And even when our great atheletes do play soccer growing up, they don't continue into adulthood. Take for example the two leading hitters in the Major Leagues today. Joe Mauer and Nomar Garciaparra were both three sport phenoms in high school. Both played football in the fall, soccer in the winter and baseball in the spring, and if you asked either of them if they ever seriously considered playing soccer as a professional… you might even get the answer “No, ‘cause soccer sucks!” Although, Nomar might not get laid for a month afterward if he did.
oh, I ganja
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