Okay, I must give credit where credit is due.  Michela convinced me (although it took only a minute of pushing to get me to check it out) to try TurboTax.com to do my taxes this year.

For the past 6, or so, years now, I have been packing up all my receipts, property tax bills, 1099s, W2s, auto registration renewals, mortgage interest statements and proof of citizenship, and trucking it all over to my friend Lisa’s house in Long Beach, just so she can plug all my numbers into her computer and have it spit out a red or black number at me, indicating whether I experience the pain of paying more or the pleasure of getting back some of my hard earned (watch it everyone!) money.

As much as I adore Lisa, it always seemed to me a fairly painless process once the computer had all the info (of which I had to compile myself anyway…) to do my taxes.  In fact, Lisa almost always commented on just how straight forward mine were to do.  In fact, I felt the same way, even when I was doing them by hand and calculator.  The biggest burden was in fact getting it all together, coordinating a time with Lisa and trucking it to Long Beach.

Okay, so this year was quite different.  Although I still had to compile all the info, I nary had to get dressed to do my taxes this year.  Entered turbotax.com in by trusty browser and off I went.  Clicked on Get Started under the Premier option (I need a schedule C,) created a log in and a password, and simply followed the prompts from there.  I even filed electronically, and I’m having my refunds directly deposited into my bank account!  Being a paid internet professional, I’ve seen my share of websites.  Some good, some not so good; very few would I consider excellent.  TurboTax.com, however, pushes the limits of what a usable website should be.  Seriously, even a monkey could do it!

Okay, so, taxes suck, but since we all have to do them, might as well find the most painless way.  Seriously, this could put H&R Block out of business.

oh, I ganja!

Not Muslim, or Jewish, or Christian, but human.  We all make mistakes.  What defines a civilized people is how we deal with those mistakes.  If one day I find myself in the left hand lane wanting to turn right, and suffer a momentary laps of judgment and try to do so, should I then be condemned to die for it?  Should I be beheaded for the insult I have cast upon the right lane traveling public?

Do civilized people really believe that a human being, alive on this world for say 30+ years, with a family, a mother and father, kids of their own, and people who love them, deserves to be beheaded (of all things) for a single cartoon?  The real answer is No.  There are in fact no civilized people who believe this.

The truth hurts doesn’t it?  I find it so amazing that those who we find wanting usually live up (or down in this case) to the very characterizations of which we accuse them.  Is it merely coincidence that the Muslim community resorts to violence when insulted by a depiction of them as violent?  How will the rest of the world ever see them any other way?  The sad fact is the world will never see them as anything but innately vengeful people incapable of diplomacy, acceptance or forgiveness.

It is simply fantasy to think that there will ever be peace in this part of the world.  A people so entrenched in religious obedience calling for the killing of innocent people to pay reparations for some stupid cartoons is simply barbaric.  Are we as a species doomed to annihilate ourselves over a question of which not a single person on the planet knows the answer?  I fear God would find that to be the ultimate sin.

oh, I ganja, not!

Punxsutawney Phil, famous weather prognosticator from Pennsylvania, came out of hibernation today, just as he has for over 100 years, to again let the winter forecasting challenged in on the secret of how much longer we will be bundled up indoors.  He did indeed see his shadow on this rather warm February morning, and as he has nearly 90% of the time predicted that winter will last another 6 weeks.  Me personally, I usually just figure spring will start on March 21^st each year, and curiously enough, I’m almost always right!

All kidding aside, the whole notion that a rodent (also called a woodchuck; yes the very same of which we wonder how much wood he could chuck if he actually could chuck wood,) could possibly forecast weather is a bit absurd.  It’s simply "something to do in the middle of the winter," says National Weather Service forecaster Mike Rusnack.  What endears me to the um, holiday, and the number of celebrations around the wintry eastern United States is how much fun it is just to get together as a community and do something silly; drink hot alcoholic beverages, sing songs, dance and keep each other warm in unique and inventive ways.  Why the hell not!

Oh, this just in…  It seems Phil has a distant cousin from West Virginia, Blennerhassett Bubba, who apparently doesn’t like that Phil has garnered so much national attention with this whole Groundhog Day thing.   After having his motion to have Phil cease and desist all weather forecasting activities summarily denied, Bubba decided to take matters into his own hands, er claws.  Seen here in a video frame capture,

Bubba appears to be emulating the now infamous video of Osama Bin Laden firing his favorite tool of peace and persuasion.  This is a disturbing development indeed.  Better get that damn Patriot Act thingy extended, and in a hurry!  It’s rodents like these that threaten the very fabric of our society and way of life!

oh, I ganja!

The average single man lasts around 7 minutes during intercourse, and only between 2 to 3 minutes of actual thrusting.  The average married man lasts around 14 minutes, but still only 2 to 3 minutes of actual thrusting.

http://www.clitical.com/orgasms/orgasm-facts.php

I actually found plenty of documentation stating that the rate of contractions during orgasm is .8 seconds (for both men and women!) how incredibly conveniently coincidental!  And if that is truly the case, is it any wonder at all that the notion of climaxing together is the end all of orgasmic pleasure?  Even with this factoid, it is anyone’s guess what the average man’s rate of thrusting is, but many resources imply that matching the orgasm rate of .8 seconds wouldn’t be a bad idea!

So, at .8 seconds per thrust, and 180 seconds (oh I’m giving all you men out there the upper limit here so sack up and give her the full 3 minutes man!) of thrusting that gives us 225 thrusts during intercourse.

But wait, consider this…

http://www.mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/chap10w.htm

Again the experts don’t give any concrete data on frequency but lets say the average couple in a healthy sexual relationship is having sex at least 3 (again, sack up man!) times a week.  So, at 225 thrusts per go, that gives her 775 thrusts per week, and a whopping 40,300 thrusts per year!  Not too bad?

Alright, now where is this all going you ask?  Well, you didn’t really think that this little editorial would be complete without a short (pardon the pun) discussion on penile length did you?  Of course not!

Now, of course I am a huge proponent of (the admittedly self architected) D’Mo’s manhood indicator algorithm which gives proper credit to both length and girth, but for this argument we will be looking at length only.  That being the case, the average male member is the subject of much debate, but generally considered between 5.5 and 6.5 inches.  In fact most references on this topic agree that the absolute average is right around 6.1 inches with a standard deviation of .77 inches, which gives us somewhere around 88% of the male population in that range.  Let’s use 6 as a nice round (or shall I say long) number?  If you’re not reaching the average guys, you’re going to have to adjust your calculations accordingly from here.

http://www.sexinfo101.com/kb_penissize.shtml

So, using our previously calculated 40,300 thrust a year and our now accepted 6 inches a thrust, this gives her 241,800 inches a year!  That sounds like a few feet, eh?  In fact, 20,150 feet, or 6,717 yards, or for our European cousins, 6,142 meters.

And for our final calculation, get this, 3.82 miles!

Now ladies, I ask you, are you getting your 3.82 miles a year?  Or are we shooting (another fabulous pun) for an even 4!  Well Endowed!

oh, I ganja!

Well, it has taken time, but I can honestly say I have finally made peace with the break-up.  "That bitch broke my heart" she did, but a rather amazing thing happened as a result.  I found that there are a lot of very fine whiskeys out there worthy of my time and attention to taste and enjoy.  I for one have found that Evan Williams black label (curiously similar looking to Jack Daniels' black label.  So much so that you'd think they completely ripped Jack Daniels off until you realize that Evan Williams has been around for nearly 100 years longer than Jack Daniels,) is a fantastic whiskey!  86 proof, and less than half the cost of Jack Daniels!  Then of course there is Maker's Mark.  Which, at 90 proof and about the same price as Jack Daniels, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where the value is there.  So I bid you a fond farewell Jack.  I will miss you, but I got some new friends now, and I only hope they treasure my friendship for I am a loyal friend…

Sign the petition to bring back 90 Proof

oh, I ganja

USA Today Article
Modern Drunkard Magazine (still never read the magazine)

From: me

To: "Jack Daniels"

Sent: Tuesday, November 02, 2005 10:59 PM

Subject: Re: Message for Jack Daniel's

First, thanks for your response, even if it does read a bit canned.

Second, I have no idea about modern drunkard magazine, as I have never read it, nor care to.

My position does not change based on your very well written rebuttal.  You succeeded only in missing my point.  You make a very good whiskey to be sure, and a free tasting if I ever find myself near Lynchburg Tennessee will be a nice consolation.  However, the uniqueness of Jack Daniels is that it was (emphasize was) a whiskey that stood out from the crowd because of it's bite.  I found it a good call for you to offer a mellower (read weaker) version in your Gentleman Jack and found that it was a nice alternative, and a good choice for those who couldn't handle a real "old time" whiskey.  And to be perfectly honest, if I'm going to drink Jack Daniels neat (the way it ought to be) I'll drink the Single Barrel.  But the fact that so many people mix black label means that the PROOF DOES MATTER.  Your argument that you are selling more Jack than before you switched it does not hold water with me.  The proof had nothing to do with that.  I'd say your recent wave of good marketing has more to do with it than anything, and I'd be willing to bet you marketed even harder in the test markets.  No wonder it's selling more.

Anyway, I'm sure Jack labored long and hard over lowering the proof from the original 92? to 86 (whenever that was) and probably worried over how his most loyal drinkers would take to it, and I'd like to think he made the final decision with a heavy heart.  But I'd bet anything he's rolling over in his grave over this latest change.  To me, it's just another example of a family owned company turned corporation and neglecting it's most loyal patrons in search of a few more customers who don't know the difference, and will leave you the second Wal-Mart puts Early Times on sale again.  For me, I'll probably just switch to Maker's Mark on principle.  It won't be as good, but at least I'll be content with the knowledge that they haven't yet sold out for a couple extra bucks.

btw, you should probably change your website.  To say that "More than a century later, every bottle of Jack Daniels is still made the same way" is simply not true.

David Moore

oh, I ganja

Here is the response from Jack Daniels

----- Original Message -----

From: "Jack Daniels"

To: me

Sent: Monday, November 01, 2005 2:17 PM

Subject: Message for Jack Daniel's

Hello David,

We sure appreciate your taking the time to write. The folks at Modern Drunkard Magazine are apparently worked up about our lowering the proof of our Black Label whiskey a little bit.  It seems they're judging our whiskey simply by how much alcohol is in it. We're awfully glad you've given us the opportunity to respond, and to explain how important quality and tradition are here at the Jack Daniel Distillery.

It might interest you to know that we've been bottling Black Label at 80 proof for several years in a number of states and countries. Our number one concern is to make sure our whiskey is of the highest quality. That means starting out with select grains for our mash and the cool, iron-free water that flows from the Cave Spring. It means maturing our whiskey in new white oak barrels. It also means following through with an extra step of mellowing our whiskey drop by drop through 10 feet of charcoal to make it a smooth sipping Tennessee Whiskey.

You see, Mr. Jack's whiskey-making tradition is very important to all of us at the Jack Daniel Distillery. That's why we take it to heart when folks suggest that a lower proof whiskey is somehow a lower quality. Fact is everywhere we've been at 80 proof the number of folks enjoying our whiskey is growing faster than in the places where it was 86 proof. Mr. Jack lowered the proof of his whiskey when he went from selling it by the barrel to selling it by the bottle because he knew that's the way folks actually were drinking it - at a lower proof. The same is true today.

Some folks have mentioned that we're watering down our whiskey. Water is a natural ingredient used to make whiskey. It's a critical element in the character and quality of whiskey. Water is the reason Jack Daniel decided to build his Distillery in the Lynchburg Hollow and is the reason we still make our whiskey there today. The water we use in the whiskey-making process is the same iron-free cave spring water that Mr. Jack found at the Cave Spring Hollow more than 135 years ago.

We realize that quality and tradition mean a lot to you, just as they have to Jack Daniel's for more than 135 years. So we would like to invite you, if you're ever traveling near Lynchburg, to take the time to drop by the Distillery and enjoy a taste of our Tennessee Whiskey with our tasters. We are confident you will agree that our taste and quality have not changed!  Please call (931) 759-7822 and ask for Randy Fanning, and he'll make sure you have a personal tasting.

Again, thank you for writing. We hope we'll hear from you again soon.

Best regards,

Jone Richardson at Jack Daniel's

Around the start of 2004, the new corporate pinheads at the world renowned Jack Daniels distillery in Lynchburg Tennessee (Actually Brown-Foreman Corporation who now owns Jack Daniels) came up with a brilliant idea!  Read All About It!  I will recount the somewhat disturbing scene as it has played out in my head since then.  The names have not been changed to protect the innocent; in fact the names may be correct for all I know: I simply made them up.

So, Steve the CBC (chief bean counter,) had a meeting with Rick, the head of marketing, one day and here is what transpired:

Steve: “Hey, Rick.  You know Jack Daniels is the number one seller of bourbon in the US, not to mention one of the highest priced black labels.  In fact our annual sales will be over $1 billion in 2004!”
Rick: “Yeah, so looks like I’m doing a fantastic job, eh?”
Steve: “Right you are Rick, you sexy hunk of man you!”
Steve: “So, why is it that we continue to bottle 86 proof whiskey when all the other black labels are bottled at 80 proof?”
Rick: “Well Steve, I’d guess because that’s the way Jack wanted it?”
Steve: “Right you are again!  Did I mention I love that color tie on you?  Delicious!”
Rick: “Thanks Steve, you look pretty hot yourself today.  I really like the cut of your pants.  DKNY?”
Steve: “Calvin Klein, baby.  You know, now that Jack is long dead and buried, and we now own the company, we should be looking to maximize our profits.”
Rick: “Oh, I like where you’re going with this Steve.  Is it getting hot in here?  What do you propose we do?”
Steve: “I’m so glad you asked, Rick.  I’d say we add just a touch more water to our final product to make it say, 80 proof like all the rest of the black labels out there.”
Rick: “Wow Steve!  You thought that up all by yourself did you?  Might be harder to market it.”
Steve: “Well Rick, there in lies the real beauty of this idea!”
Rick: “Do tell Steve, I can hardly contain myself.  Is that your manhood bulging?”
Steve: “YOU, don’t have to do anything!  We’ll test out the lower proof in a few test markets.  See if anyone notices!  Of course we’ll add a few more marketing dollars to those areas to skew the results.  We can continue to charge the exact same amount for it, but at a lower proof, it’s seven percent added profit baby!”
Rick: “Seven percent?  Is that worth it?”
Steve: “That comes to over $77 million a year you man bitch!”
Rick: “What about our most loyal customers?  The one’s that can actually tell the difference?  Shouldn’t we be sensitive to their loyalty?”
Steve: “We’ll tell them our single barrel was specially made for them, and if they still don’t get it, fuck ‘em, let em buy Maker’s Mark.”
Rick: “I love it!”
Steve: “I knew you would.”

So, when I finally got wind of this devious little plan of theirs, I decided to write to Jack Daniels and let them know I was on to them.

From: Me
Sent: 29 Oct 05 20:56:25
To:  jack_daniels@lynchburg.jackdaniels.com
Cc:
Subject: Drop us a line at Jack Daniel's / USA

The following 'Contact Us' form was submitted on 10/29/2005 8:56:12 PM

Comments: I am ashamed of you!  A company that emphasizes and advertises it's "History" as much as Jack Daniel's does; to change it's recipe is beyond hypocritical. It is a slap in the face to all your customers who base their choice not only on taste, but also on tradition and loyalty.  And for what? The label should have changed even more than from 86 to 80.  It should now read New Time, New No.8 or maybe just Early Times #2.  Hell, you could put it in a plastic bottle for all the uniqueness and prestige it now holds.  You have ruined it!  Take a lesson from Coke! New Coke sucked, and so does New Jack!

oh, I ganja!