Okay, it's a sport, but i don't have to like it...

by iGanja 22. June 2006 05:15

I have many friends who love this sport, so I will try to be careful as not to go overboard with this rant.  Also, I have a great deal of respect for those that actually play the game.  It is, undoubtedly, a worthwhile physical activity, an activity that can include a great deal of skill, endurance and intelligence to be played well (well being the operative word here.)

Thing is, the sport can be played by almost anyone, and this is really its most endearing quality.  No skill, or endurance, or intelligence or even ambulatory capability is required, which, by itself makes this a great sport for the masses to play.  So, go play it!  Get your exercise, and even, dare I say, satisfy your competitive need even though the game is fatally flawed from an individual accomplishment standpoint.  So, it was you who essentially won the game with 90 minutes of solid, yet uninspiring, defense; the only thing that anyone remembers is the one solitary goal scored by a forward who just happened to be in the right place at the right time.  That truly is taking one for the team...  So, soccer is arguably the most popular sport on the planet; that still doesn't move me to want to watch it.  Soccer is just not a sport made for spectators, which is ultimately why it will NEVER be popular in the biggest sporting country in the world.

soccer sucksSoccer sucks for spectators!  Here’s why:

First, when will it end?  No one watching or playing or coaching or even picking their nose in line for their 42nd beer knows when the damn thing will end.  It just does, sometime after the clock reaches 90 (not 0 like every other sport with a clock,) or something like that.  Where’s the drama in that?  “What?  It ended?  Oh, can we go now?”  Soccer sucks.

Second, don’t blink!  You may miss the only opportunity you have to see something actually happen, like someone scoring.  Unless you like watching grass grow, be prepared to be entertained by the fans in the stands more than the game on the field.  When a single goal scored on the international stage is remembered in perpetuity and the person scoring it is immortalized for all time and honored with free sex with the local livestock for the rest of his life, you realize that there just ain’t enough scoring.  Soccer really sucks.

Third, a tie!  What the hell is that?  Even Hockey has figured out that kissing your sister is about as exciting as the prospect of root canal or open heart surgery, and even the sports that do, on very rare occasion, end in a tie, at least it’s not 0 – 0 !!!  And I’m sorry, saying “nil nil” is just plain stupid.  Did I mention soccer sucks?

Fourth, (you thought this would be last huh?) again, like tennis, there is possibility of great bodily injury, but a sport that emphasizes, condones, and yes even rewards faking an injury is a sport of pure pussies!  Little p boys writhing in pain on the ground ‘cause “somebody twipped me” just to get a little yellow or red card issued to the offending player is the biggest example of cowardice in sport there is.  When I saw (ESPN highlight everyone.  I wouldn’t be caught dead actually watching a game,) a guy being carried off the field on a stretcher only to be on his feet and running within seconds of crossing the sideline, it only reaffirmed my belief that soccer doth suck!

And last, any sport the USA sucks at, must certainly suck.  And why does the USA suck at soccer you ask?  It really is very simple actually.  The USA has the potential, as it does in nearly every sport, to dominate in soccer, and anyone that doesn't believe that isn't firing on all cylinders.  The fact is that all the greatest athletes in the US are playing other sports.  The kids that can hit and catch a ball play baseball.  The kids that can catch and run and hit harder, play football.  And the kids, who can shoot and pass and otherwise dominate athletically, play basketball.  The kids in the US who can't do any of those things, play soccer.

The AYSO was created so that ALL kids could enjoy some sort of sport activity.  And by ALL kids, we really mean all kids, especially those kids who can’t play the other three.  You know the ones, they got picked last in dodge ball.  And even when our great atheletes do play soccer growing up, they don't continue into adulthood.  Take for example the two leading hitters in the Major Leagues today.  Joe Mauer and Nomar Garciaparra were both three sport phenoms in high school.  Both played football in the fall, soccer in the winter and baseball in the spring, and if you asked either of them if they ever seriously considered playing soccer as a professional… you might even get the answer “No, ‘cause soccer sucks!”  Although, Nomar might not get laid for a month afterward if he did.

oh, I ganja

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Comments (5) -

kmt
kmt United States
6/23/2006 7:48:32 AM #

while i have the distinct feeling i'm being baited, here, i'm not going waste my breath trying to convince you (or anyone else, for that matter) of the merits of, oh, what is it? the most popular sport ON EARTH. your mind is made up, and that's that (you know i love how stubborn you can be). i'll simply say that men who play soccer are among the most fuckable in existence (endurance, baby, endurance... and, omg, *amazing* leg strength). to top it off, they make *stellar* drinkin' buddies! oh. and it doesn't suck that i met my loving hubby because of that glorious sport... GGGOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!!!!!

michela
michela United States
6/24/2006 7:49:00 AM #

I do take exception to the encouragement of the feigned yellow card, but c'mon, anything where the players have to run for 90 minutes straight has got to be a sport. 'sides, they're hotties, like Kmt says.

kmt
kmt United States
6/27/2006 7:49:28 AM #

"No skill, or endurance, or intelligence or even ambulatory capability is required" you ARE kidding, right? unless you meant to end that with "to play well." in which case, that statement can be made for *any* sport... and, my dear iganja, the reason the US sucks is quite simple: the almighty dollah. we have the talent, no doubt. but we don't cultivate acheivement in this sport because few are willing to shell out the moolah to put *proper* programs in place. but, yes, it is absolutely pathetic that the US isn't a major contender... in fact, it's nearly as globally embarrassing as our clueless leader (but that's a whole other posting) BTW, while you, as the uninterested/uninformed viewer, may only see goals as the highlight of a game, those of us who love the sport remember and admire the great defensive moves, the kick-ass saves, the amazing combination of speed and footwork, and mind-blowing jukes. (and, i'm driven to mention once again... the endurance... phew!) and, no, you don't have to watch... but you might also attempt to understand the sport before you trash it... hey, nathan... here's where you come in and invite iganja to come on down and play with the big boys...

iGanja
iGanja United States
6/28/2006 7:49:41 AM #

to play well... yes, that is essentially what i meant. but that is not true of other sports. you can put any (and i mean any) twenty two kids on a field and you got yourself a soccer game. you can't make the argument that soccer is nearly as complicated as any of the big four in the US. the rules are simple, the objective obvious, and kicking a ball is something that anyone can accomplish. and forgive me if i'm wrong, but that is all anyone needs to do to play this game. the argument that soccer is so much more complicated than that seen by the casual observer is old and overused. the statement that "if you haven't played it, you can't possibly understand" is ridiculous. as I already stated, the big four in the US are all more complicated than soccer in nearly all aspects yet people that have never played them understand, appreciate and enjoy them all the same. and if you really are going to stick to that argument, you have put your sport into a catch 22 here in America and outlined the very reason that it will never catch on. your only valid argument is the one based on the all mighty dollar. agreed, no one is spending money on this sport in the US. hold on a sec... although i can't find any numbers, (i have tried, and i'd love to see them,) i'd bet more kids play soccer in the US than any (maybe all) the other sports. we have all heard the term "soccer mom", but not baseball mom, or football mom, or basketball mom, why is that? so someone must be spending money on this somewhere. the AYSO and other organizations don't run themselves. fact is, plenty of money is spent on soccer, but the truth is, the best athletes (the ones that if they continued to play soccer, might actually give us a chance on the international stage,) all opt to play something else when given the choice.

michela
michela United States
7/17/2006 7:51:30 AM #

I don't think it's the lack of programs where the mooola issue comes in, it's that the best athletes will be basketball, baseball, and football players. There is no similarly competing sport in Europe; there's car racing, cycling, and soccer. That be it, purty much for the big names (tennis doesn't count; it's just one guy lost to the pool).

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Oh, I Ganja

When something becomes clear, when a wrong is righted, when vengeance is yours. It doth not matter when, where or why. It is an epiphany, the clairvoyance to conjure up the stolen data tapes, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to go do, that voodoo, that you do, so well. When we finally see past the layers of muck and grim our society has cloaked itself in, we exclaim "Oh, I Ganja!"

Let us not hide our heads in the proverbial sand. Let us question everything and seek enlightenment in answers. But wait, there's more! If you act now, we may even sprinkle in some truth with those answers...

Oh, I Ganja!

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