Bad Bad Mr. Green!

by iGanja 7. November 2006 05:55

The only question at the beginning was why we seemed to have to wait for Miss Scarlet every year! A curious fact indeed, and were the Scarlet’s (who looked a lot like the Peacocks of old,) destined to repeat as winners? It seemed, early on, that Miss Scarlet was content to sit on her laurels from last year, and simply tease the boys over what color panties, if any, she was wearing, as she walked up the stairs. None of us were complaining though, so her tardiness was soon forgotten.

The investigation started quickly, suggestions were flying at every suspect, as no one was beyond suspicion. Every suspect garnered scrutiny early on, but as the investigation proceeded, Mrs. Peacock and Mr. Green became the clear favorites. Sheriff Peacock was never surprised as he was heard to say "It’s you, I know it’s you! Just give yourself up now woman, and be done with it!" It didn’t seem to sway anyone, and as it turned out, years of law enforcement was no match for psychic abilities.

Was it Mrs. White again this year? We spent some time in the gymnasium, but the clues presented there seemed to show that she had suppressed her activist ways. Clearly, Major League Baseball’s stricter steroid policy had satisfied her. What about this new Colonel Mustard? Although, we weren’t buying the ruse that he had made full bird faster than anyone before him, he seemed more intent on drinking poison than proving his innocence. Luckily, someone did it for him.

Would any of us stay sober long enough to figure this out? It seemed not, as the investigation appeared stalled in the Great Room and accusations of a fixed die were cast toward the butler, who really just wanted Mrs. Green to reach into his pocket to retrieve it. Even the butler was wondering about the die as it seemed there were only three sides; the Great Room, Dinning Room and Foyer were the only rooms it would reveal! Would it be enough? What of this new balcony? What about the office and the kitchen? Shouldn’t we at least go down to the gymnasium one last time? If only to watch Miss Scarlet climb the stairs again?

As it turned out, it simply wasn’t needed, although many players were lamenting over whether to skip their turns to get to their room of choice. When the Mustard’s turn came, they did indeed decide to pass their turn, yet there was a no sense that we were getting close to an answer, only that other rooms had to be investigated. Most agreed it was a good move, but would the Mustard’s strategy pay off?

Amazingly NO! The Mustard’s would never get their shot. The White’s had seen and heard enough, and even though they admitted to having only two of the three pieces of the puzzle, they were ready to make an accusation, jurisprudence be damned! Most of the others were stunned. The Greens and the Plums cried foul over procedure, butt Scarlet, still sitting on her cute little laurels, didn’t seem to mind. The butler assured everyone that proper procedure was followed; even winning a bet over it for free sushi next Thursday night! Mrs. White was within her right to accuse, and accuse she did…

Mr. Green,
In the Kitchen,
With the Candlestick!

mr-green.gifMrs. White made the accusation, with an eerie conviction in her voice, and an assertion that she was indeed psychic! Was it true that the normally mild mannered Mr. Green, a surfer and part time computer hack, had found yet another gruesome use for his candlestick? After walking around with it in his pants all night, no one really wanted to touch that one! And without ever going to the kitchen, how did Mrs. White come to her conclusion? Perhaps only the psychic world may ever know. Was it that Mr. Green had blew out a flip flop, and stepped on a pop top, cut his heel and had to cruise on back home? Only to find there was no booze in the blender, and nothing would render, but that candlestick was just the tool to remind someone that without margarita fixings, it’s hard to hang on! Tequila kills, but it seems in this case lack of tequila might be just as deadly! And all the pieces seemed to come together…

The Winner!

It was true…

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I will not eat crow (or cardinal) !

by iGanja 31. October 2006 05:53

However a little humble pie now and then is good for the soul, I guess.

Okay! Jeff Weaver, you have somewhat redeemed yourself. After the Angels gave up on you (as well they should have, btw, you fucking stunk,) to be picked up by my favorite National League team was almost a stab in the heart. To watch as you continued your wildly inconsistent performance, I feared you may actually keep them from making the play-offs.

Props to you as you did indeed sack up and start pitching to your potential FINALLY, and just in time! Your post season performance was nothing short of solid and, dare I say, even noteworthy. As much as I believe that David Eckstein, Scott Spezio and especially Jim Edmonds deserved their rings this year, I’m not all that stl.gifdisappointed that you too will don some hardware for your contribution to the cause.

Nice job!

And Congratulations to the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals!

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So many laws: so little justice!

by iGanja 20. October 2006 05:50

A phrase I coined nearly 20 years ago, is even more pertinent, as there are even more laws today and shit like this still happens.

Read ALL about it

I cannot say that I am as moved to action as my beloved over this tragedy.  I have truly given in to the notion that life just isn’t fair, and bad things happen to good people.  My realistic senses tell me there is little I can do to rectify this injustice.  It does indeed enrage me when our government doesn’t work, and I am sickened by the regularity by which it happens.  Try as I may to forget and move on, my conscience and my love for a certain woman lead me to do something.  So, here is my pledge:  I will do whatever she asks of me in this cause, and I will start by sending the following letter to the prosecutor(s) of this case.

To Assistant U.S. Attorney Debra Kanof:

Today I am embarrassed as an American by this injustice, but you are forever doomed to be associated with it as the true perpetrator.  This is Karma of the worst kind.  I actually pity you, for when your time comes to answer for this; you will undoubtedly pay a very high price for stealing twenty-three years of fellow human beings’ lives and destroying the lives of their respective families.  The damage you have caused to our great nation is inexcusable, and you deserve to live the rest of your life ridiculed and ashamed.  There are many of us who will NEVER forget what you have done.

Twenty-three years for shooting the scourge of the earth in the butt?  This vermin walks free to undoubtedly commit more crime against our nation while those who would protect us, AND YOU for that matter, are condemned for it?  I wish for you an inequitable shift of balance in those proverbial scales of justice, that this vermin you have set free may happen upon your house someday to commit a crime against you and your family; that you are at peace with the knowledge that you did your job; and that those who have pledged to protect you…won’t.

And I will NOT weep for you; you definitely deserved it!

David Moore
oh, I ganja!

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Fortunately...

by iGanja 18. October 2006 05:48

sobe_fortune.gifI have come to rather enjoy SOBE energy drinks.  Green Tea is my favorite, but alas, the cafeteria was out today.  So, hmmmmm, what shall I try?  How about, Power Fruit Punch!  And for added enjoyment SOBE puts a little message under each cap.  They normally don’t make much mention of it; but sometimes it actually does relate to some give-away or something, but mostly it’s just some random way of telling you that “you lost”, “life isn’t fair”, and to keep your spirits high, drink more SOBE, and in the words of professor Lupin of Harry Potter fame, “You’ll feel betta!”

Today was no different.  I lost again! Or more precisely, fortune did not smile on me today, BUT only in the US of A.  Seems if I decided to leave the country, my luck might very well be different.  Worse or better, god only knows.

oh, I ganja!

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SPAM subject line Haiku

by iGanja 17. October 2006 05:47

Oh my darling scrappy doo, and her penchant for wit!
she made me laugh today with her haiku of the spam.

I just had to add one of my own, and so now I challenge all to a Haiku-Off!

and here is mine:

wild college coeds:
you need a bigger penis,
check out my web cam!

oh, I ganja

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Did someone say shut the fuck up!

by iGanja 7. September 2006 05:42

As August came to a close, and very little in the way of inspiration to award a STFU award for the month, I have no problem at all giving this piece of work, spouting feminist dogma, the award covering two months and rectum-fying the whole situation.

07greer copy.jpgAustralian feminist Greer attacks "embarrassing" Croc Hunter

How can anyone, especially someone who advocates and promotes political and social correctness, be so blatantly unsympathetic and incorrect? Well, in this case, it appears that it is indeed very easy. This self absorbed, ego-maniac Germaine Greer seems all too willing to wield her celebrity and attack Steve Irwin with a barb even more poisonous than the one that killed him.

However you may feel personally about Steve Irwin and his “exploitative” antics Ms Greer, he was in the end, a man survived by a wife and children that loved him, and he deserved more than 24 hours of silence from the likes of you before publicly slamming him and his work. In fact, wouldn’t it be more in the feminist way to show compassion and empathy in such a moment as this?

Touché you worthless windbag; I guess you told him, didn’t you?

p028 copy.jpgOH MY GOD! The impudence (and cowardice) doth run deep. How microscopic must a man’s dick be to rip on another man after he’s dead? Chaunce Hayden, of Steppin’ Out magazine, a worthless piece of fish wrapping dedicated primarily to the entertainment industry based in, get this, New Jersey, if that wasn’t funny (or stupid) enough, has named Steve Irwin, the “Deceased Asshole of the Week!” Nice going, shit-for-brains! I’d bet $100 Chaunce (oh, I’d also bet he got beat up a lot in school with that name, huh sissy boy?) had never met the man Steve Irwin, never been to Australia, never seen a wild crocodile, and probably never grasped his manhood with more than his thumb and forefinger.

Seriously, this IS the guy they make Hummers and Excursions for. Chaunce, stick to what you know, or rather speculate best; the location of every gay bar on the east coast, where you can find Donald Trump’s penis pump, and how to eat your way up from the bottom of a vat of maggots. I suppose your association with Howard Stern has brought you to the status of journalist (we) most like to ridicule, but once that fades, you’ll just be a guy with no balls that kicks sand in the face of dead guys. Not even Howard Stern would have been this insensitive.

Although I will never wish death on anyone, I do look forward to the day you make your own column!  You too can shut the fuck up now!

Oh, I ganja

non-working link to shit-for-brains magazine article PUSSY! This should have been a retraction and an apology!

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Shut The Fuck Up!

I vs. Me

by iGanja 30. August 2006 05:31

Okay, this is starting to bug me.  The use of "I" when referring to yourself in a picture with another person is ALMOST ALWAYS INCORRECT!  So, in an effort to sound intelligent and well educated, you are actually showing that you slept through that particular lesson in school.  Now, Im not one to harp on things normally, since I am a fairly poor speller, although spell check is a handy friend of mine, but this is beginning to border on ridiculous.

Brian and David.jpgSo, here is a little refresher course for those of you who honestly are trying to use the words I and me correctly:

My brother and I went to the lake.
Luckily, someone brought a camera to record the event.
Here is a picture of my brother and me at the lake.

Here is a little hint:

Remove the words My brother and from both sentences and you get:
I went to the lake.
Here is a picture of me at the lake.

Rather than:
Me went to the lake.
Here is a picture of I at the lake.

Even the simplest captions can be butchered.
For example a picture of you and someone else (say, your best friend Joe) should be captioned like so:

Me and Joe
Or, if you must put yourself last because in the back of your mind some English teacher told you to then,
Joe and me

NOT Joe and I!

You certainly wouldnt caption a picture of yourself with I, would you?
No, you would write Me!
as if those viewing it couldnt figure it out, but hopefully you all get the point.

Now go forth and fix all of your poorly written photo captions before you are cursed with perpetual halitosis.

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Poor, misguided, disadvantaged youth...

by iGanja 9. August 2006 05:29

‘Cept for the fact that so much has been literally GIVEN to this fuck up. If America is the land of opportunity, this guy has used up his allotment.

Former Ohio State Star Clarett Arrested With 4 Guns

"I'm shocked as everyone else is about the allegation," Mango said. "Obviously, he's a young man with a lot of weight on his shoulders."

Huh? What? A lot of weight on his shoulders? Like what? Football pads? Er, no, he’s not even playing football, at least not in the NFL, or even college (of which I’m sure there are, to this day, numerous that would still offer him a full ride to come play for them.) This is just another example of a very talented boy given no guidance by those that should have, growing up in an MTV world where narcissism rules and responsibility is excused by a “rough childhood.”

Yes, “someone” should help him get his shit together, but if that still fails, let him fall off the face of the earth. There are hundreds, if not thousands of kids out there begging for the chance and will NOT fuck it up if they get it!

Oh, I ganja!

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I am so bummed we got rid of this guy…

by iGanja 18. July 2006 05:28

Pitchers

IP

 H

 R

ER

BB

SO

HR

PC-ST

ERA

J Weaver (L, 0-1)

4.0

8

6

6

2

1

2

88-55

13.50


laa.gifIn his first game with his new team the Cardinals (my favorite NL team btw,) Jeff Weaver really shined!  Nearly doubling his innings pitched over his last (thankfully) stl.gifstart with the Angels, he managed to actually get through 4 whole innings!  I really see a bright future for this guy (as a batting coach or maybe in real estate…)  Jim Rome predicts he won’t make it to the end of August.  I think he is being generous,

I predict he won’t even SEE August!

 

oh, i ganja!

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Angels

And this month’s Shut the Fuck Up...

by iGanja 6. July 2006 05:25

Amber Frey is getting married! Whoot whoot! Who fucking cares?

040811frey.jpgHere’s an idea… Why don’t you and that piece of shit media whore lawyer of yours, Gloria Alred, shut the fuck up and drop off the face of the earth. You had your fifteen fucking minutes! It isn’t enough that Laci Petterson’s family has to cope with the loss of their daughter for the rest of their lives, they have to live with this piece of shit “massage therapist” becoming a virtual celebrity over it? What the fuck is this world coming to?

WE DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK!

Oh, I ganja!

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Shut The Fuck Up!

Oh, I Ganja

When something becomes clear, when a wrong is righted, when vengeance is yours. It doth not matter when, where or why. It is an epiphany, the clairvoyance to conjure up the stolen data tapes, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to go do, that voodoo, that you do, so well. When we finally see past the layers of muck and grim our society has cloaked itself in, we exclaim "Oh, I Ganja!"

Let us not hide our heads in the proverbial sand. Let us question everything and seek enlightenment in answers. But wait, there's more! If you act now, we may even sprinkle in some truth with those answers...

Oh, I Ganja!

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